I don’t think I really understood how the absence of my father was going to hit me. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had seen my father. It wasn’t until January of 2007 that I would finally see him again.

In hopes of rebuilding a relationship with my father, my sisters and I set out to find him. We found our dad, Anthony Ford, in a Bronx apartment just right over the George Washington Bridge.

We approached a single grey door amongst the other green doors at apartment A-1.  The apartment was tiny and I couldn’t even believe that I was walking behind my father into his “home.” There I was, sitting on his love seat that felt like it could tell a thousand stories of its own.  I saw a book case and wondered what books my father liked reading. He sat in a leather chair with his arms planted on the arm rests, facing his daughters.

It was almost as if the images in old photo albums had finally come to life, right before my eyes. I was looking at my father, and he was looking at me for the first time in over ten years.

What’s important to note is pathology, which is vicious cycles of maladaptive behavior, and emotional instability under stress. I felt myself completing a trine cycle of pathology. Like my mother and father, my ex-husband and I were a military family that dealt with the pressures and stresses of starting a life with one another. One exception is that I did not have any children.

Now, 28, I’ve been married, divorced, and looking to land on a lotus- TO FIND MY PEACE.

That peace is being attained by letting go of the unfortunate circumstance of not having my father in my life and dealing with a mental illness. Instead of harboring negative feelings about the things that I cannot control, I’m embracing my unique gifts and sharing them with the world.

Since moving back to New Jersey from Charleston Air Force Base, I’m finding solace in the arts. With growing support and love, I’m writing articles, music, poetry and designing for a future business endeavor.

I’m sure he would be proud.