By Rafal Rogoza—

The Editor in Chief, Ally, is about 4’11, 140 lbs., and looks somewhat like a Yorkie. Ally notoriously struggles penning her sex columns.

When she has writer’s block, the girl breaks into a sweat and downs a bucket load of Dasani water, that is, of course, when she’s not busy breaking the blinds in the office. You have to love the girl, because she’s always late and punctually leaves early. The fact is, without Ally, this paper would have no balance. Some of us here would take things too far, but Ally’s paranoia about potential blowback from some of our stories keeps us zealot newsies in check.

Next on my roast list is our cartoonist Armando Sultan. He stands at 5’11, 180 pounds. He looks like Adam Sandler in “The Wedding Singer.” Armando loves weddings, he’ll be attending a few this year. Once in awhile we shrink his cartoons to the point where you can’t make them out. He doesn’t mind, he likes showing them off anyway. Where would we be without Armando’s classic cartoons like “Rorbert’s Rule of Order,” that’s right “Rorbert’s.” God bless you cartoonist, you’re a rockstar in the office and a diva at childrens’ birthday parties.

Next! Our lifestyle editor Atilla Azami. Dr. Azami stands at 5’7, 165 pounds, and has long, soft, black hair with a greasy shine, a Tony Danza look alike if I have ever seen one. His vocabulary is so advanced that he makes the people that put together Webster’s dictionary puke themselves. My personal favorite is “fauna.” There’s nothing elementary about Dr. Azami, he refuses to use words that we can pronounce. As I’m writing this Dr. Azami is editing and asks, “For the sake of concision. C-O-N-C-I-S-I-O-N, is that no good?.”

His articles are so thought-provoking you have to read them twice – seriously read them twice – no, you’re not a dummy, we don’t know what he’s saying either. The Dr. Azami reads like a mythical, hungry beast consuming innocent sacrificial virgins. Another chapter closes my friend, please dumb down your writing style for the sake of the paper’s only readers – our parents – at least the ones that speak English.

Last but not least, our Chemical, Biological, Radiological and Nuclear Operations Specialist and deputy managing editor Monir Khilla who stands at 5’11 and weighs 175 pounds. Yes, those of you who may not know, Khilla is a nuclear material specialist. I’m serious, I’m not making this up. It’s ironic, because sometimes Khilla crawls into the news office looking like he got hit by a nuclear bomb. Seriously, the man didn’t sleep through the fall semester and has worn the same torn shoes since George Bush stole the 2000 election. Just last week he was sporting a scruffy beard that would make Moses jealous and wore a beat up hoody that he was clinging to like Linus from the Charlie Brown cartoons. Without Khilla, we wouldn’t have printed anything this year. He is a trooper in every sense.

On some days the Gothic Times crew worked together on the newspaper from the break of dawn to midnight, editing, editing again, plotting, choking each other and laughing. It was a blessing and pleasure.